Playoffs?! Don’t talk about playoffs! Are you kidding me? Playoffs?! I’m just hoping we can win a game, another game!

9 Dec

GM’s:

I would like to congratulate the following teams for clinching their division title and securing their playoff spot.

 

B1G-1 Division Champions – Empire State Furry Ferrets

Magnum East Division Champions – Crooked Senators

Willy West Division Champions – NJ Gunslingers

Wrap Dillz Division Champions – Hopelawn Maulers

 

Playoffs:

Furry Ferrets (10-3)  – Following the DAFL draft, experts predicted the Ferrets to end the season as the 11th ranked team. Selecting Adrian Peterson was a big gamble following his iSpank scandal. Losing their 1st game to defending DAFL Champs, Las Desnudas, only strengthened the expert’s prediction of a potential dismal season. They are the 2nd highest scoring team in the league, #2 in breakdown rating, and #2 in Power ranks. Impressive considering they are in the #1 Division, producing a League Championship 3 years straight.  Back in September, Jadi and Kimberly were seen laughing at the end of draft. Making fun of everyone’s picks including Gore, the Ferret’s 3rd pick.

Hopelawn Mawlers (10-3) – GM has the ability to draft a winning team via his cell phone every year. Pound for Pound, GM Santiago is the best GM in the DAFL. More than any other owner, the Mawlers have put up a perfect lineups 3 times this year. Their first rounder, Andrew Luck, was considered #1 quarterback going into the draft. His luck says otherwise and his fantasy points are way below what was predicted. The Mauler’s QB situation is volatile at best. The city of Hopelawn will ride the coattails of Winston which might be riskier than having unsafe sex with Kimberly.

NJ Gunslingers (9-4) – The Gunslingers return to the DAFL in 2015 proves anyone can take time off and still be a winner in this league. The most vocal of all the division winners, Mad Mike has been renamed to Daddy Jadi. The Gunslingers are led by Demaryuis Thomas and Eric Decker at WR. Their #1 draft pick Matt Forte has been plagued with injuries but their backups have picked up the pieces. Although they are the 3rd seeded team, experts predict they will go down in to Balmoris and his Big Ole Man Tities…Down goes Kramer. 3 of their losses suffered during the season were against teams with a combined record of 13-23. The Gunslingers have scored a total of 1319 this year and are ranked #5 in the power rankings.

Crooked Senators (8-5)  – The 4th seeded Senators are moonwalking into the Playoffs. Mr. Marenco proves that you can win with injured players on your starting lineup. You can bypass the fact that they are in a “Sisters of Mary” type division, worst in DAFL history with a combined record of 14-22 and lowest combined Points scored at 3258. You can ignore the fact that Wilson is the starting QB and that LeGarrette Blount is their starting RB. Their 2nd highest scorer in their team is their DST. Experts predict the senators will be eliminated in the 1st round. Once you are in, you have a shot. Being an underdog has never bother Julio and apparently this holds true with the voters of North Bergen.

 

WILDCARDS:

Suck My Woodhead (8-5) – Considered by “ALL” experts as the most dangerous team in the DAFL. They lead everyone in Power Ranking and have an unprecedented #1 Breakdown rank with a record of 96-36. These GloryHole advocates are the highest scorer in the league at 1350 points. The fact that they are a wildcard team is a mystery. NJ Gunslingers should consider themselves lucky on this one. We expect them to cruise over the Senators in the first round.

Big Ole TDs (7-6) – Win Fatty Win. Coach Balls sneaks his way into the playoffs by beating division rival coach Reyes. Allot was at stake between these 2 lovebirds. All the DAFL experts agreed that statistically, BOT is the better team and rightfully made it in. They are the 2nd highest scoring team in the DAFL but their downfall is the Points against, they are 2nd in the league when it comes to getting smacked up by opponents. BOT won the DAFL Championship in 2013 and were 2nd place losers in 2014. Coach Hurtado and his fat avengers have lots to prove.

 

LOSER BOWL aka iSuck Playoffs:

North Bergen Desnudas (6-7) – The defending DAFL champions, Las Desnudas aka the Naked Kabana Boys, missed the playoffs by 10 points. It is a game of inches and in this case, Hugo and his band of naked seamen were short by 3600 inches. Manny Torres has expressed some relief, the only back-to-back DAFL Champion will keep his historical bookmark intact for now. Rumors have circulated that the Desnudas are researching a new franchise name. Our sources have heard the following options, “Amor de Raton” , “Sin Condom”, and “The North Bergen Settlers”. Now the Settlers are not because of any Pilgrim type crap, for name reference please see this: http://www.hulu.com/watch/879953

HoboKnights (5-8) –  Not even an act of the gods can save the Hoboken franchise. Commissioner Sierchio has been quite the entire season. To make ends meet, Kimberly started working the night shift at the McDonalds on Time Square. They look to regain some honor by making a run at the Toilet Bowl $20 prize this year.

Miami Hustling (4-9) – Guess the experts were wrong about the Hustlers. DAFL experts predicted they would be the team to beat but in fact were bitch slapped more often than not. In Juan’s defense, he had a good bunch playing for his franchise but it is hard to win when everyone outscores you. They have the league’s highest PSA (points scored against) them at 1361.

Hudson JizzWax (4-9) – It’s not easy being Jadi. The most hated owner has been quite throughout the year. We miss Jadi’s obscene articles about Cumberly and his comeback remarks. Did he really just say that? It has been a very quiet and boring DAFL season. The Jizz have never won a DAFL championship, never held the trophy, and have never been to Disneyland. The mighty Jizz lost their cock pump in 2015 but still have a chance to make something happen in the Loser Bowl.

Discount Belichick (4-9) – Once a dynasty team, now they push carts for a living. Considering his running back squad, Manny did an OK job winning four tough games. However, it is hard to win when your RB’s are averaging 6 points per game. Perhaps Manny should have taken some notes from Julio and autodrafted his way into the playoffs.

You Bet Thank You (3-10) – This has been a heart breaking year for Henry. Perhaps it was his new job at Best Buy/ Geek Squad that took all his time? Perhaps Jadi rubbed some of his bad luck on Henry’s lips? This could explain Henry’s attitude, he did show some signs of aggression this season with his Jadi-like comments. Whatever the reason, you can’t win if you are not scoring more than your opponent. YBTY is the lowest scoring team in the league. Good Luck in Best Buy!

 

It was a great season. If you owe money, please pay the $140 entry fee immediately. I hate asking for the money. If you are not sure on your financial status, please click on the finances tab. It is up to date.

Commissioner,

JP

 

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